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From big to not big

Nothing is a big deal. That is a bold statement. Imagine for a moment what it would feel like to claim that for yourself. As you do you might initially feel relief, but then you may also notice that some things feel really big. Things that feel too significant, too important or that you value too much to not be a big deal. In order to really claim that nothing is a big deal would mean that all experiences you’ve had up to this point and all that you will have in the future, are not as significant as you might make them out to be. That would burst a lot of bubbles in all kinds of ways. In the most positive light you would not experience anything to be stressful anymore. Likely you would feel a lasting levity like none you have ever known before. On the other hand, what might feel more negative to you, is that it would also require you to let go of some of the things that give you a sense of worth, purpose, rightness, validation or fairness, and some ideas you value as special. You would also have to give away fear and worry, which provide you with a sense of control over your experience. In this way you would take some hits to your identity as certain experiences become less significant and you may feel more powerless, out of control, and/or confused about what matters.

When you come from the frame of mind that nothing is a big deal you nearly automatically become more allowing and accepting of whatever your experience is/was. You let things, experiences and people come and go as they please. You attach less to what happens in any scenario. You feel relaxed and get a taste of freedom. Despite all of this we still tend to make some things a big deal. We choose charge, seriousness and our story of bigness of whatever is occurring, over feeling relaxed, at ease and free. Then, kind of innocently, we wonder why we don’t feel good. We genuinely can’t figure out why we don’t sleep well, digest well or experience ease in our body. It’s a mystery to us. We can’t seem to make the connection.

How we are is what our experience is. There is no difference or separation. As we change, our experience changes with us because our experience is always reflecting us no matter how we are being. Sometimes it can feel like quite a challenge to change our minds about something. There can be a whole well of inner resistance to go from seeing something as a really big deal to seeing it as not a big deal. Other times it is very quick and easy to make the transition. It’s a matter of how much significance we place on something, how much of our identity is wrapped into our story of whatever is, and how much we want to attempt to not feel powerless and stay in control of whatever happened or is happening.


Caring without agenda

When we look at life and see the experiences of it as not such a big deal we effortlessly open into gratitude for what is. A levity and simplicity arises when we aren’t indulging our energy and awareness into our story and feelings of bigness of whatever is occurring. From that simplicity we appreciate more what’s here in the state, configuration or organization that it’s in. When all of the experiences we’ve had and all the things we value aren’t such a big deal, we can more easily participate with life. We enjoy more thoroughly what is here, and our enjoyment of what is, is gratitude. People sometimes ask me how they can open their hearts more. One of the ways to do so is to enjoy yourself and enjoy your life no matter what is. Enjoyment is the expression of gratitude and that is a state of open heartedness. In order to enjoy life we have often have to make the things of life a little (or a lot) less of a big deal.

Some people may interpret not making things a big deal as not caring or being careless. To that I would say that in order to care about something you have to enjoy it, be grateful for it and also let it be free or let it go. That’s love. For example if you value life then you have to enjoy it, feel gratitude for it and let it be lived rather than controlled. The controlling of what we value (which is often confused for caring) squashes all joy out of whatever it is we value and the paradox is the we are the one doing the controlling even though it often seems external or other to us. The more we control, the less we feel joy and gratitude for what is. This also tends to be when we perceive things as a big deal. Big deal usually means to us that we perceive a potential or actual threat (loss) or success (gain), something requires more energy than we want to give to it and we tend have a lot of charge or feelings around the situation. This becomes an ideal environment for us to attempt to control outcomes, attach to things working out a certain way, and feel anxious or stressed about what will be.

The less charge, seriousness, specialness, control, fear and worry we have in relationship to the experiences of life the more caring we are. The more capacity we have to be present, attuned and participate without agenda. This means the less we make things a big deal the more we care, not less. Don’t be swayed by the cultural story that says stress, worry and charged polarization means you care. It’s really a disguise in our attempts to control life and not feel powerless. Rather make things less of a big deal. Your mind might resist it, and that’s ok. If control, fear, worry, stress, anxiety, wanting fairness or something to turn out a certain way, rightness, validation or significance come up, it’s also ok. It’s not about making yourself wrong, it’s simply about becoming more aware of how you do you, the ways you operate and moving more into choice about how you respond to life. If you do this you will notice more openness to life, more acceptance, more gratitude and you will feel your freedom more. As always don’t take my word for it. Be your own scientist. Try it out for yourself. See how it works for you.

Dr. Amanda Love

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